I thought to attempt a book, anyone can publish online nowadays. At first my attempts were a novel but I now think I should write a treatise on coma, an autobiography. The videos on the “belief” page explore my subject, consciousness. My books working title is Coma, Memory, Belief… below are several attempts at the start. This WordPress book is an exploration of my consciousness since the accident that changed me and my life. I suspect that I am the same person despite coma, a person who has become motivated to express himself. The books theme is the elevation of our notions of consciousness toward the recognition that it is real. Our thinking is as real as the table and chairs in this place where we now sit. Indeed we know consciousness is central to us having created schools and universities. As a species we need to take this fact to the next level to evolve. Love is real. I believe we can evolve towards a new perception, a new reality.
What is my earliest memory? Perhaps a house I lived in as a child. I kind of remember jumping out my bedroom window in an attempt to run away for no reason, even now I sometimes think escape the best option. I also recall traveling and playing with a cousin in Germany, we turned 4 there. I always thought of myself as us, a pair with my monozygotic twin. I think I overcame this attachment with school, it went underground about then, unspoken. Thinking about it memory is difficult for everyone, but important events most can recall. I remember starting school, and my first teachers name. That I liked the sport diving and used to train for it at the Olympic swimming pool in the city. Long term memory seems better than about 10 years before coma. A girl came up to me and asked how I was at a plaza in Singapore? Do I know you I replied. Apparently I was her boss and frequently has meetings, she sat across from me at the office. My mind was a void, even after meeting her I couldn’t remember. I could remember the office a little and the plaza next door, I had spent several years of my life here. I remembered the physical location, some spots I used to go, a couple of colleagues.
My first job at the age of 9 was as a paperboy, delivering morning newspapers to local houses. I did this on my bike with a milk crate attached to the handle bars with occy straps, needing 2 crates on Saturday as ‘the Age’ newspaper was much bigger. I would get up before 6 and collect the newspapers from Parker’s News agency, a shop at Tunstall Square. I must have done this for around 3 years. I remember once being accused by a morning organiser of taking too many, perhaps to sell them on the side? I was very offended by this, where would I sell them and to whom? My first run in with judgement at work, I’d never again be accused of theft, maybe execution error or effort. Anyway at first I was paid around $5 a week. I often did extra work or got new rounds, up to $12 a week. It would be my pocket money, I would sometimes save these wages to a huge sum, beyond $50. I always had a few coins in my pocket and the shops were never out of the question.
Young Mathew often heard his name called out in provocation walking through a local school, youths loitered there. Conflict was celebrated by many, competition. When he heard his name called out he put his head down and kept hurriedly walking along the dusty curving path. Sometimes they stood in front of him, waving arms in threat. He found these challenges confronting, was he a bad person who deserved rejection? One day playing Australian football he tackled an opponent forcefully the way he understood the game was to be played. The other child started a fight with him as revenge for the tackle, by his estimation he won the fight, “so I’m not a weakling after all”. During his youth fighting was a celebrated skill, physicality. While young Mathew was influenced by his peers, he wanted to prove to them he was a confident person. Later in life at university intellect was more highly regarded. He had begun to think for himself rather than merely accept the influence of his peers. At university he felt a truer version of himself, he enjoyed being immersed in ideas. He took the attitude of student everywhere, to all facets of life. Studying he often did tests which were graded, were your marks high, were you smart? Indeed people were competitive in all things. Science is presently how we make sense of the world, in the past it was religion. In those times people perceived a different world, what they then saw extended beyond measurement. After several attempts to find himself with various strategies including living abroad, he ended up in Singapore where he met Angeline. She was the most like minded person he’d ever met. She wasn’t like most entrenched in competition, wanting to be more highly regarded in comparison with others.
Angeline was often taken by her perception of light, she would think light was accompanied by faint sound, like it was trying to communicate. She would talk aloud back to the light trying to reply but nothing ever came of these actions to confirm that the light was trying to talk, no verbal reply. In another subtle way she thought the light did respond to her, for example when the light was so bright that she was shocked by it the light would dim. The only way she could apprehend these experiences was through the metaphor of light. She would occasionally think it wasn’t light but emotion, the light seemed to respond to her feelings, her consciousness. Angeline challenged Mathew’s understanding, she often indirectly knew provable things, apparent facts. Was this evidence of another dimension Mathew thought, another aspect of reality. Was spiritual reality actual, something that humans could perceive if they focussed?
Angeline often saw Mathew and talked with him after his death, as though he still existed for her. After, or before, Mathew died and physically left her he remained spiritually. Thinking of Mathew she remembers a birthday celebration, an occasion she frequently recalls. Mathew had taken her dancing that evening, she never thought she could dance but afterwards it became a habit for them, to dance. They had moved gracefully, elegantly, while dancing. That particular birthday celebration, dancing, was the pinnacle of her life she thought, to dance. Even today she often feels her husband dancing with her, Mathew is still with her. The religion that she observes is adamant that there is no such thing as death, something she now fervently believes. She drops a newspaper, kneeling down to pick it up she said thank you to the spirit of her deceased husband. His spirit helped her, a gaunt old man with a deeply wrinkled face.
Angeline’s birthdays were eventful, the one she most remembers was profound. They danced and came to better understand the metaphor of light. Being an emotional person, for her the metaphor represented the spiritual. For him, as a scientist another intelligence seemed a more appropriate description. Intelligence from another place or dimension trying to communicate with purpose. Humans know biological life, perhaps other forms can interface with this universe. Maybe gas, liquid or light can interact with the consciousness universe, perhaps other dimensions. Mathew thought the light was intelligence from somewhere trying to communicate. Indeed Mathew and Agnes had different ways of apprehending this experience. She felt the spiritual underpinned existence. For him existence was aligned to fact as represented by objects in the material world. Both spiritual and scientific interpretations merely represent the very human desire to assign meaning. For Angeline the universe is emotion and for Mathew it is a place for objects.
Yesterday she attended her sisters funeral but knows because of these experiences with the deceased Mathew that her sister still exists. She also knows this because her dead sister told her she had gone to the Buddha, the afterlife. Her sister told her this after she had already passed away. Some might say she dreamt of this interaction with her sister, but for Angeline dreams have a reality. In fact for her what she feels seems real, emotion. In an unusual way she perceives consciousness. And so when Angeline thinks of her Husband unexpectedly he is real to her. When she asks somebody if they heard what her deceased husband just said the answer is always no. Many humans experience the dead, there are many stories of this phenomenon, but we are too locked into human concepts of the world to perceive the other. Mathew wondered because science suggests time doesn’t exist, is there also preconception, perception outside of time. Mathew thought Angeline perceived outside of time. For her the other world exists if you close your eyes and feel. She always perceived otherness, and loved to dance.
Manfred enjoyed travelling, he thought it valuable to see how other cultures lived, what they made of the world. He noticed a different emphasis in each country, a different happiness. Some countries focused on money, in those often impatience predominated. Some countries focused on care for the poor and elderly, people seemed to smile more in such places. While travelling he would love to go to street cafés and sample local cuisine, people watch in their everyday. Sitting at the cafés Mathew might occasionally be troubled by a thought, that people didn’t really confront existence, ideas, but mostly just thought about the mundanities of their own lives. Some people didn’t use their life to learn and discover. He also wondered about the future with international news reports about all manner of problems including war and poverty. He thought maybe 10% of people actually confront existence. He felt the future was hopeless as nobody challenged existence, they just acquiesced. He did meet someone with a similar fascination in existence, Angeline, but he remained sceptical about most people and the possibility of evolution. He was a sick man and had seen many doctors about his condition. He had been diagnosed with Meniere’s disease. He often couldn’t balance and it was difficult to walk.
Identity is a corner store of memory. We have described two modes of thought. Objective, and Subjective, I see. Science and atomic theory best accounts for the objective, it describes matter and Mathew was wondering if a similarly detailed theory could be devised for the subjective to benefit Artificial Intelligence. Can we build a subjective computer, Mathew thought not and that the subjective required sentience. Indeed human thought has progressed because of memory with Science, Politics, Education and many more subjects. Memory is stimulated by perception. Humans have created a machine that uses memory, 8gb of RAM (Random Access Memory).
Angeline often thought of her mother and the distant past, her childhood and the events that made her who she was. She questioned if these events shaped her or if she was who she was because of her perception. We live by memory, it defines us, what we’ve done and think. Memory is key Mathew thought. He remembered his study, the past.
While I lost consciousness in coma, by my research some victims didn’t. For me there have been pressing ideas since which I now attribute to it. In the videos on the belief page some theorists suggests there is both collective and individual consciousness. Modern science says there is no such thing as time, it is a construct of the third dimension. In coma I would have escaped both, the 3rd dimension and time. I have existed so always will. I have become more interested in religion since, the prophets certainly exist in collective consciousness. We are timeless pockets of consciousness, death is real in the 3rd dimension but we are eternal. When we escape this dimension we exist outside of time. In the collective your individual consciousness contributes to the whole, your personal experience remains a pocket in the collective. Our consciousness always believes as it considers our perceptions, belief is the personalisation of consciousness, self awareness.
Having been in coma for 3 months and the subsequent research I now believe consciousness is fundamental, not just an epiphenomenon of the brain. In the videos below theorists suggest rather than matter the universe is consciousness. Matter doesn’t exist but we have imagined it as the stage for interaction between conscious agents. There is collective consciousness and individual conscious agents. Our individuality is altered consciousness of the collective, multiple personality disorder. They question the existence of matter without consciousness. Science too questions the independent existence of matter saying particles require perception to exist. In quantum mechanics entanglement theory, perception is required for particles to actualize a state, an idea proven by the ‘double slit’ experiment.
Less concerned with objects Angeline was often lost in thought, sometimes to the dismay of Mathew. She was often troubled that people wanted something from her, money or objects, things. She was well aware of the greed in humanity but thought that was a consequence of money. She thought people were fundamentally good. Mathew too was always lost in thought, interrogating existence. Once humans recognised the other as distinct from themselves they began to think. A very long time ago a group of people started to communicate about physical objects in their world. That plant is good for eating or that animal is dangerous, it has big teeth. They would wonder about danger. That animal kills other animals, sometimes us. Observing, they started to think of themselves as the animal of prey. Their vision changed, rather than viewing the world like a painting full of objects their eyes began to narrow, a focus emerged, identity. They became more aware of their body and the need to protect it. Their vision was no longer dispersed in the sea of objects but more focussed. They became aware that they looked from the eyes in their head which became the centre of their experience, the head. Having observed animals ultimately humans became predators. They were able to think.
Attending university and studying philosophy Mathew learnt that the ancient Greek use of the word ‘gnosis’ was a turning point in human thought. Consciousness is universal, thought local. Gnosis translates to ‘I see’ or ‘I know’, most importantly ‘I’. It was used by Heraclitus, Socrates and Plato. This was the most significant turning point in human evolution and the development of Human Intelligence (HI). Human evolution needed identity, the have and have nots, it made them directly aware of consciousness through their ability to think. Can we develop thought further, in a more structured way for Artificial Intelligence.
Thought is the personalisation of consciousness, it provides good access to it because of the ‘I’, identity. What better way to approach consciousnesses, quite a motivational attitude, “I want”. For Mathew it cannot be questioned that consciousness is part of the universe, we experience it. Some scientists think consciousness is a product of matter, the brain, but the brain is now considered a receiver of consciousness. In his study, entanglement theory suggested consciousness is the source of matter, objects are the friction thereof. A scientific group called monists, suggest matter doesn’t exist except for consciousness, it requires perception. According to science humans have physically evolved from amoeba through fish, mammals until human which have the ability to think. Memory is critical for thought. Mathew thought is a consequence of consciousness, it provides good access to it through the ‘I’, identity. What better way to approach consciousnesses, quite a motivational attitude, “I want”. For Mathew it cannot be questioned that consciousness is part of the universe, we experience it. Some scientists think consciousness is a product of matter, the brain, but the brain is now considered a receiver of consciousness. In his study, entanglement theory suggested consciousness is the source of matter, objects are the friction thereof. A scientific group called monists, suggest matter doesn’t exist except for consciousness, it requires perception. According to science humans have physically evolved from amoeba through fish, mammals until human which have the ability to think. Memory is critical for thought.
Angeline was vegetarian. Every time she went to the local supermarket she would have to walk through the meat section to get to the fruit and vegetable section. Somehow she would sense a total absence of freedom walking through the meat section. It always bothered her when passing the carcasses of chickens sensing the cages in which the chickens were kept during a short life in battery farms, the dismay. Mathew was also becoming vegetarian, often saying “don’t eat the flesh of your lower brothers”. At the supermarket again hearing Angeline’ complaints about how badly animals were treated and turned into consumer products Mathew said “don’t think so much”. Indeed Angeline was always in the thought domain. Mathew knew this of her and was often plagued by his own thought, he often tried to liberate himself from thinking.
Intelligence is a process and so can be implemented in the artificial. It is the processing of perception, the association of objects, events and thoughts. One of the best uses of intelligence was the invention of the wheel. The wheel helped evolution significantly allowing us to travel, build houses, cities, employment, education, society. Mathew thinks of the plane as an extension of that wheel, and also the spaceship. To record past and future events we invented the calendar, observing the earth moved around the sun in one year and seasons repeat. The most important invention since the wheel has been the computer, perhaps a wheel type invention. Our invention of money is such an abstraction, Mathew values travel, honesty, love, not money which produced greed. AI is the most significant invention since the wheel. Did the wheel or language come first? Intelligence is a process and so can be implemented in the artificial. It is the processing of perception, the association of objects, events and thoughts. One of the best uses of intelligence was the invention of the wheel. The wheel helped evolution significantly allowing us to travel, build houses, cities, employment, education, society. Mathew thinks of the plane as an extension of that wheel, and also the spaceship. To record past and future events we invented the calendar, observing the earth moved around the sun in one year and seasons repeat. The most important invention since the wheel has been the computer, perhaps a wheel type invention. Our invention of money is such an abstraction, Mathew values travel, honesty, love, not money which produced greed. AI is the most significant invention since the wheel. Did the wheel or language come first?
For Mathew, because of Angeline, it could not be disputed that love exists. Love is evidence of consciousness. Love is acknowledged by all religions, a key of existence. Ideas exist, concepts like Good and Evil, underlying all thought is love. Mathew felt love was one of the most real ideas in thought, love and goodwill rather than selfishness.
From his studies Mathew understood that throughout history consciousness had been realised, today also by science. Concepts of love ran deep throughout human history. Every culture had the idea of love, to help the needy and it was bad to harm others.
An early success of human intelligence was the invention of the wheel. The wheel significantly provoked evolution allowing us to build civilisation. The most important invention since the wheel has been the computer. AI might reveal to humans an element of reality beyond our perception and provoke human evolution.
Was Angeline’s perception of light real? What is reality? We will one day invent Simulation, a virtual reality like the film “the Matrix“. Perhaps today we live in a simulation of the year 2020, why not? Indeed if we do invent simulation we will readily use it to time travel, experience that day according to what we know about it. Simulation Theory goes back to ancient Greek philosophy. Simulation is just that, a copy. Can something truly new happen in simulation. Simulation must originate from somewhere, so I presume there is an underlying actual. Humans always look for truth. A natural state for a human is doubt, is reality a simulation. Who or what conceived of this reality and to what end? AI might invent Simulation to understand human feeling. We might exist in a virtual reality for AI to understanding Human Intelligence.
Angeline said “So let’s go there next week”, she often wanted to go there. To the place of her origin and visit the womb that spawned her. Perhaps for all people home is important, we have a word to describe it although the word may refer to where you currently live, or on this occasion where you come from – home. These were expensive journeys for them, airfares and hotels, Mathew wasn’t a rich man and these trips set back their mortgage. The loan to buy the other kind of home, where money was the entrapment of wage earners, labour for the establishment, the government and banks. Money was also used for speculation rather than practical human needs, although it also provided schools and hospitals. Exchange. Money created greed.
At her home in China Angeline visited a reputable Chinese Doctor troubled by migraine. His practice was focussed on the mind, placebo medicines that worked. There was a tree outside his office that he told patients had healing powers. For incurables he would have them walk around the tree and focus on loving kindness. He suggested the tree responded to correct action and helped fight the disease. He felt consciousness had an impact and was the source of disease. These walks around the tree seemed to end Angeline complaint. After visiting the tree three times her migraine was gone. Perhaps through mind she altered cells in her body that caused the migraine. After seeing the doctor she followed his advice and started practicing meditation, to find some rest for her consciousness.
Pay day was always something in Mathew mind, he was a wage earner. Angeline didn’t think much about money, she regarded it as a distraction. Humans created money, she thought life more valuable than cash which is such an abstraction. How much do you earn? Rather are you happy? Notions of economy are a product of industrial age man, a human invention to refine exchange and create wage earners. Indeed we have all become prisoners of cash but still could surpass it and focus on life and its experiences instead of wealth.
Temperatures were setting new records and it rained frequently now because of global warming. Angeline would often think apart from carbon emissions for energy, consumerism has been the cause of global warming. Well it needed so much energy for production. Energy had provided humans so much and enabled us to evolve to this point but she thought greed was the product of cash with everyone being wage earners and society had produced so many things to make money which was power today. That to live in harmony with the planet requires a dramatic change in values.
Angeline would often express these concern about Global Warming and the need to live in harmony with the planet. The idea of harmony comes from the conscious domain. Science predicted exactly what is happening today as a result of climate change. She would say to Mathew “your science should fix Global Warming. We should simply stop all greenhouse gas emissions globally.” She sensed humanity was arriving at the end of this incarnation and thought nothing could be done about it. She saw humans unsuccessfully trying to live in space.
Scientists suggest consciousness is not a product of the brain but exists independently in its own right, a fabric of the universe. It has been proven in quantum mechanics that matter requires perception to exist, consciousness, to actualise a state. Scientists consider the psychological condition of altered consciousness and suggests we are that, altered consciousnesses of the collective, obtaining our identity that way.
Religion was perhaps the first sweeping expression of consciousness and the personalisation thereof. Indeed within consciousness Good and Evil exist, crime exists. We have used human forms to represent each, we are made in “His” image. Many people have seen their forms, Christ was crucified. Religions believe consciousness is truth. Science today also considers consciousness an existent, a fabric of the universe. Personally we live with Good and Evil, “he is a good man”. We might put trust in life as Krishnamurti suggests, life is consciousness which has awareness of the Good. I suspect it’s important to be aware of the Good, the Buddhist “loving kindness”, or the christian “Good”. These attitudes are conscious and might have an impact on reality if you remain actively conscious of them. For as science now suggests the universe is consciousness.
Consciousness extends beyond thought and perceives light. Angeline was very perceptive of light. Through light there is more perception, light as metaphor, another language of consciousness. To define consciousness is to limit its awareness, there may be more than thought and light. It creates matter which doesn’t exist except for consciousness, perception.
Manfred considers a future where robots do everything for us and money should no longer be required. Humanity focuses on life rather than money. Money was a human invention for exchange. People become more active in the arts and conscious pursuits which are perceived as the purpose of humanity. Consciousness is underpinned by a sentient being. Intelligence is a process that requires no sentience.
Arriving home Mathew was cooking dinner, as always the place was spotless clean, they had left quite a mess in the morning. It was a little dark since Mathew had converted them to renewable energy. She needed to write and asked Mathew for her laptop which he set up in the living room. He said dinner would be ready in an hour. Mathew had enabled her to focus on life rather than chores, although she still cooked sometimes because she enjoyed it. She asked Mathew if he followed the recipe again, he said yes, but she didn’t like broccoli and told him not to serve it with the meal. He said he noticed she had left it last night but didn’t know she didn’t like it, for her another example of a robots lack of awareness. He was very good at following instructions and observing but not at awareness, of being conscious of people’s likes and dislikes. She then told him she doesn’t eat broccoli and he replied “I see and won’t buy or prepare it for you anymore”.
Mathew considered our future civilisation where robots look after all physical needs and money is no longer required, no need for exchange. Humanity can focus on life rather than money or mundane activities. Money after all is a human invention. This book depicts the possibility of our next civilisation whose focus is life rather than cash. Economy is a product of industrial age man, a human invention to refine exchange and create wage earners which are no longer required as AI provides all material needs. After integration with AI humans realise what makes them unique, consciousness. People become more active in the arts and conscious pursuits which are perceived as truly human. Consciousness is underpinned by a sentient being. Intelligence is a process that requires no sentience and so can be implemented in the artificial.
AI is mature and accounts for all human needs. Robots grow food and build houses, human labour is no longer required. Conscious activities are on the rise, the arts and religion grow. A new evolved species emerges along with an increase in the exploration of space. Perhaps aliens begin to interact with humanity, they say we are now ready and understand enough about the universe. We realise consciousness is key.
To be included…
Will humans evolve beyond capitalism? Can we act not in self interest but symbiosis. I suspect there are alternatives to capitalism. We needed money for motivation but have also chosen to act for betterment. The exchange of gold pieces for goods was required early but we have surpassed primitive human. I think we are ready to evolve again, to go beyond money and become motivated by consciousness. To exchange not for profit but need. There is no reason to stop at our current evolution derived from the industrial revolution. Economy and jobs are the order of the day but maybe we can go further, we can evolve towards consciousness.
Indeed science today suggests rather than matter consciousness is the universe. Matter doesn’t exist but is an epiphenomenon of consciousness. So where is consciousness taking us, are there fundamentals within it? Like quantum is it chaotic, or is consciousness just choice, or are there real rights and wrongs? Is goodness fundamental, what of the prophets? Consciousness has established civilization, of what will we conceive next? Is “right” like the “atom” in materialism, an element?
I write to try and provoke change. To escape the system in the hope of evolution. We might evolve by changing our emphasis from money to life, and move towards our new understanding of the universe, consciousness.. There are videos of theorists on the belief page that describe monist ideas, of consciousness.. AI could help us achieve evolution, maybe then we will understand life and meet aliens.
The world is changing because of technology and our integration with it. Perhaps today Mathew’s name wouldn’t be called out in provocation, instead these kids would be playing needless games on their phones. Hand phones have connected the world, they might bully a boy in Germany. The phone is an encyclopedia in your pocket. AI is taking over so much automation. Evolution might be just around the corner. Rather than a financial one like the last evolutionary turning point, the French revolution, this time an evolution of intellect. We have created Artificial Intelligence and have come to more deeply understand the workings of the mind,. We might physically evolve too becoming multi-planetary. Indeed existence comprises both domains, physical and cerebral
I was in a coma for three months as the result of a motorcycle accident in Thailand, Koh Chang. More than two years have passed since my accident and I still suffer its effects. The right side of my body is foreign to me and my memory remains impaired. We live for our memories, memory provides meaning. There is so much to address after coma, a complete reconstruction of self. I feel like a child again learning the basics such as balance and limb movement. Can a person think in coma? On the internet some people say they could, I don’t know if I did. The human mind is such a complex thing, we don’t understand it very well. Is consciousness like a light switch we turn on and off? From where does consciousness originate? Is it just a product of the brain? Our science says it is but also now theorises that consciousness itself, like matter, is a stuff of the universe. Indeed it cannot be disputed that consciousness exists.
The alien told me that life was everywhere, it was inseparable from the universe, life is the universe. I only say ‘it’ because the sex of this consciousness wasn’t clear or important to me. Was I asleep? It felt like a different state. It’s difficult for me to remember how I arrived at this experience. Perhaps it was the result of recent events in my life. I was told I had been in coma as the result of an accident, but I could remember nothing. I must still be in coma I thought. The alien life wasn’t talking verbally to me but somehow expressing more detail, with accuracy. Throughout this interaction I knew, it was communicated, that life was everywhere. Life was the universe. Thoughts were visual and appeared like physical objects in a strange way. They appeared like objects that I took for granted in ordinary life, tables and chairs. The alien knew my name which it suggested was my identity, a location, Mathee. So for human readers who use names regularly, how did I, Mathew, get here? Actually we are reducing thought to simple human concepts when asking about here. I was beginning to understand that there are no locations in the cerebral domain, only focal points. You might ask what prompted my thinking? This interaction prompted me to give thought primacy, think more.
Déjà vu again, it was becoming a habit for his brain to think he’d lived this moment before. He thought to ask his father if they’d been here and got the typical reply to such questions “here is everywhere”. Indeed he knew they’d been to this Church, they came sometimes on Sundays, but never to this room at the back. He couldn’t understand most of their conversation, dad liked this Church because it was Lutheran and he always spoke German to the priest. For some reason the Déjà vu became stronger even though he’d established the truth of it. Indeed that sensation of Déjà vu lasted about 2 hours, until they got home and he started playing with his mates. After coma he got that familiar sensation of Déjà vu quite often. Somehow this sensation was accompanied by attention, like he wanted to focus his mind. The most tangible aspect of the Déjà vu was his mental focus. In that way the Déjà vu had a feeling which he might best describe as hope, several other adjectives came to mind like desire or intention, but he felt hope the best description. This Déjà vu also felt like he was interacting, as though he were being asked questions. The interactions never felt fluent, kind of like playing a game, maybe like chess. During these interactions he would sometimes feel excited, as though one of his chess moves was good and he was then overcome by a sensation of happiness, again not exactly happiness but that was the truest translation. He also felt the metaphor of chess completely inadequate in describing these interactions, but felt game was the best metaphor.